There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
