I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
