You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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