its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
