I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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