well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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