At least make sure they are 18
Why
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
