I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
