I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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