I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
