I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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