She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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