I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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