farters have to be the big spoon...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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