Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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