I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
