We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
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