I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
