I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
