Soap is not a condiment
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
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OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
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Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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