You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just high enough for therapy.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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