So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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