He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
