I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
