I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
