my phone needs a breathalizer
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
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