I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
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I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
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I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?