I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
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That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
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I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.