My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize