do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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