Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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