Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
