I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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