My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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