I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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