I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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