ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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