She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
