I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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