Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
