woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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