if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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