I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT