Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
