so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.