I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
