everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I think my moral compass just broke
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