after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
