remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
