I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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