Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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