It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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