Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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