I just gift wrapped bread.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
is that a dick in a sweater?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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