pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
