I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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