I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
even my farts smell like vagina
there was a trapeze. enough said
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
