did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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