Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
